


big angst

by Din_of_Hyrule



Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-23 00:33:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Din_of_Hyrule/pseuds/Din_of_Hyrule
Summary: small drabble of an oc of mine





	big angst

It’d been a year now that Sam had become a part of this world, nearly ten months since he’d moved down to the Overworld to live amongst people rather than angels up in Skyworld. The people here were nice enough, but he never could quite breach the fact that they all knew he was an outsider. From the way he talked to how he dressed, he may be around humans but he was isolated save from the occasional visit from Pit. Most days he spent holed up in his ship and permanent residence, tinkering away at his latest distraction.

Today.. was one of those days. Hands deftly worked on screwing plates of metal together, parts scattered about his workspace in a labyrinth of nuts, bolts, tools, and scrap. Brows furrowed with frustration as he worked, muttering about how this just wasn’t going to hold unless he welded it instead. Yet his welder was nowhere to be seen, back to the drawing board it was then. 

Standing up and stretching with a chorus of cracking joints and stiff muscles as accompaniment, Sam picked his way through the maze so as not to disturb the careful layout of parts before plopping right back down at the front seat. These days he liked to let the natural light filter through the windscreen, though the dark and overcast skies told him it was both already morning and that there would be rain later, onboard radar only confirming the presence of an oncoming cold front headed by at least a day’s worth of heavy rain.

“Hm, so much for that shopping trip I needed to make..” He wiped at his eyes, sleep coming away on his fingers as a crusty mess as he sighed something heavy. Another accidental all-nighter, fatigue weighing heavy on his bones as he realized he’d been up for two days straight and was running low on food. He’d worry about that later, booting up the computer for more schematics as the rain began to come down, pitter patter of the drops hitting the windscreen filling the air with a gentle rhythm.

***

He didn’t know when he’d dozed off, but a crack of lightning that landed too close had startled him out of his slumber, eyes flying open and muscles tight as he all but jumped out of his skin. The clock told him it was approaching noon, a groan erupting from his throat as he realized he’d again fallen asleep in a position that would surely hurt later. His neck hurt like hell, and his back was stiff.

“Alright alright, shower time it is then.” He stood with another groan, muscles protesting and synapses laggy at best. Leaving his jacket on his chair, he stalked off up the stairs and into the actual living space. His clothes came off in a trail behind him, shirt discarded on the floor and belt hung upon a chair, finally his bottoms halfway in the door to the bathroom as he quickly bathed. Steam billowed out of the room when the door finally reopened, nothing but a pair of boxers on as he dried his hair and walked to the food storage.

There was a scowl on his face, nothing left but some noodles and cheeses as well as some milk he should probably use today. Well, at least he could make a weird long variant of mac and cheese, it was a good day for it. He remembered how his dad would make him mac and cheese on cold, rainy days like this and they’d sit and watch cartoons for hours. He missed his dad, the scowl fading to a more somber expression as memories bubbled to the surface before he could shove them back down. Vision blurred with tears that fell freely down his face, Sam couldn’t help but get upset so easily. He’d been bottling this for years, only further aggravated by being sucked into the Conglomerate. The universe he knew was gone forever, including the only people he’d cared about. At one point he’d encountered a sludge monster back there with Craig’s voice, now garbled and distorted like a bad radio signal.

“A lone survivor, ain’t that fucking fitting. The last person that deserved a third chance, and here I am..” He was on his knees now, hands desperately trying to stop tears that wouldn’t stop as his frame was wracked with sobs and hiccups. That was the real reason he was trying to avoid sleeping, the persistent nightmares that plagued his every rest of anyone he’d known covered in that black sludge and crying for him to end them. It was over now, but why wouldn’t his mind let go, why did his heart stutter every time he thought of them? Sam didn’t have an answer, how could he? Most days he barely knew what was real anymore as the days blurred together, an endless cycle of sleep deprivation followed by a restless night of agony. Speaking of, his stumps began to ache and throb with phantom pains as he knelt there, memories bringing back a tactile sensation of the laser cutter in his flesh and the dirt in his wounds.

“Not now, please! Please..” Pleading with a body that didn’t listen to him, curled up on his kitchen floor as the cold of the metal soaked into previously warm skin and he openly sobbed. Loud, wailing sobs that would never leave the thick hull of the ship as he could no longer restrain the grief and agony he’d been holding in all those years. He regretted what he’d done to himself, building up such a thick and cold outer shell that not even he could breathe anymore until it all came crashing down in such a spectacular manner. How could he have done any different, with a war over his head and work to be done there was never time for therapy, never time for him to vent, and never time for him to emotionally heal. He still cringes when he looks in a mirror, despite having gotten better at hiding it. He still wished he’d died on Troy that fateful morning.

And yet, his brain chose now to remember the goddess of this world saw and heard everything that happened, his ship was less of a safe haven than he thought. Under constant surveillance, despite her having the best intentions, wasn’t doing him any favors currently. And yet he still couldn’t stop, he couldn’t make himself calm down. His heartrate spiked and his breathing became erratic as the tears and wails just kept spilling out, like a vase tipped over and the water just pouring out upon the floor he lay there as years and years of bottled emotions came exploding out all at once. A feeling of hopelessness cascaded through him, how was he supposed to live like this if he couldn’t even pick himself up off the floor? There was war on the horizon here too, and yet there was nothing he could do to help himself, much less the forces of Skyworld. He couldn’t breathe, why couldn’t he breathe?

***

It was a long time before Sam forced himself to calm down enough to stand, the pattern of the metal emblazoned harsh and red on his skin where the two were touching. Head pounding, throat sore, and eyes itchy he wobbled on his legs until he put everything away, too tired to eat. He felt sick, both in the way one feels when they’re about to throw up and how a fever feels once it’s got a hold on your system. First thing’s first, he needed some fresh air. Slowly he got dressed, simple sweatpants and a hoodie, before meandering outside. Cold, damp air whorled his hair around and disturbed the surprisingly stagnant air of the ship as the large bay door opened. It’d stopped raining by this point, the sky painted in shades of pink and red and orange as the sun set. He’d say something, anything, if he didn’t feel so numb. There was an emptiness in his throat that felt like a block of ice, cold and unmoving, and the words just couldn’t get out.

Sam almost wished he wasn’t so isolated out here, that now he had anyone to talk to. Or even just a hug, the lack of physical contact made him almost want to cry again if he weren’t convinced of the fact that he’d cried so much his tear ducts were swollen shut. There was a silence to the air, unlike the suffocating silence of the ship, the world seemed to sigh with him. Everything still dripped with rainwater, the world unpausing from his meltdown. No, he shook his head, that wasn’t quite right. The world moved regardless of how he felt, his world finally broke free of a cycle he wasn’t aware he was repeating. Since he was 19 he’d been shutting the world off, trying to cope with the loss of everything, until he had begun to completely isolate himself from his own universe. He’d been too busy to notice, or perhaps that was the point?

“Fuck… how did I let it get so bad?” Fingers ran through his hair as he breathed the words, unable to even comprehend how badly he’d damaged himself. Like an engine that’d been slowly running out of fuel until it reached a complete burnout, that’s what he’d done to himself. Denying the support he knew he’d needed until they were all physically unable to help him. And it’s not like he could turn to Pit or Lady Palutena, how would they ever understand, even if they weren’t busy with a war hanging over their heads? He needed a cigarette, it’s a shame tobacco wasn’t a thing that existed here. At least now he realized he had a problem, but where to now? What more could he do to make things right with himself, if it wasn’t already too late for him?

The dull ache in his neck reminded him that he’d dozed off in his chair earlier, and how fucking exhausted he felt. It licked at his bones and clawed at his eyelids, prompting him to stumble back inside and close the door. He’d sleep in his bed tonight, hopefully fix his circadian rhythm too if he could help it. There was a dull anger in his veins, but he’d deal with it in the morning. There was eight years of sleepless nights he needed to catch up on.


End file.
